


The Guide to Being in Love

by Homosauce



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: ANdrew Garfield is my Spiderman, But idc what Spiderman you picture, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Kinda Crack, M/M, Maybe sexy times, Peter and Wade are tired parents, Protective Wade Wilson, Sassy Peter, Size Difference, They're all above the age of consent, makeout sessions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-28 09:16:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15045791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Homosauce/pseuds/Homosauce
Summary: For some reason in the past year of knowing Deadpool and having late night Taco nights, he ended up being the mother goose of his infamous gang of weird ass ‘friends’. And for someone as smart as Peter, he should’ve seen some of the signals. Like when his apartment became known as a hotspot for Weasel and Bob to sulk in, or when he would drop off Domino to her gym before he heading for work like some middle-aged soccer mom. Even when some Nega Sonic something war something girl ended up always needing advice on her relationship problems (even when Peter insisted that all his experience comes from The Office and Hollywood movies).But even then he was caught completely off guard when everyone around him seemed to think him and Deadpool were a couple . . . even himself.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ah welcome to hell. ANyways enjoy. 
> 
> SIde note, my Peter Parker is Andrew Garfield, but like I don't care who you picture, it's not like I can stop you. So you do you.

For some reason in the past year of knowing Deadpool and having late night Taco nights, he ended up being the mother goose of his infamous gang of weird ass ‘friends’. And for someone as smart as Peter, he should’ve seen some of the signals. Like when his apartment became known as a hotspot for Weasel and Bob to sulk in, or when he would drop off Domino to her gym before he heading for work like some middle-aged soccer mom. Even when some Nega Sonic something war something girl ended up always needing advice on her relationship problems (even when Peter insisted that all his experience comes from The Office and Hollywood movies).

But even then he was caught completely off guard when everyone around him seemed to think him and Deadpool were a couple . . . even himself.

 

-

The first time he met Deadpool he was ending his Thursday patrol and cooling off on the top of some tall ass building. His mask was pulled up to his nose, and through the beginning chills of fall, he could see his puffs of air floating around. He sitting with his knees up and his arms around them, on the edge of the building and through his head he was debating on going to the hot dog vendor two blocks away or to save money and just take a nap for dinner.

He decided on just taking the nap when he heard a scream nearby. Immediately he was alert and ready to shoot a web. He shot off and flipped in the air, to shoot another web to another building.

When he reached the area of the scream, it was in a dark, gross alleyway with four people. Three of them were surrounding a poor teenage kid, who was cowering and holding onto his backpack. Looking at the kid, Peter got flashbacks to his own high school experience and felt remorse for the guy.

“Give us what’s in the bag and no one has ta’ get hurt kid.” One of the goofs said, in a rough voice. He pulled a knife from his pocket and waved it around dangerously. The middle guy snickered and brought his own weapon; a gun, out of the back of his pants.

Peter rolled his eyes from his perch on top of the building. _‘This is really generic. At least get a joke out there.’_

The teenage boy glared, or at least, tried to with how scared he looked. “C’mon it’s a school night. Please just let me go.”

The thug with the knife ( who Peter decided to call Thug #1), moved closer a step, “ Kid, ya’ got a pretty mouth, wouldn’t wanna waste it on yapping on.” With that, the boy let out a whimper and moved back whenever the thugs got closer. He clutched his backpack closer to his chest and started hyperventilating, looking around himself for a way out.

Peter took this time to swoop in and jumped in between them. He sprung up and held his hands up in a carefree way. “Hey guys! Whatcha doin?”

The thugs looked surprised and then annoyed (like every other villains in his nights). The third guy took his own gun out and each of them puffed out their chests like some Hercules motherfuckers.

“Get outta the way before we gotta get our hands dirty.”

“Yeah, ya’ betta run away back to ya’ little hidey hole and stay there.”

Peter laughed, “Guys I bet we could work this out.” He glanced to his back to check on the kid, “How about you guys walk that way and me and Mr.Tall, White, and Scared can walk the opposite way?”

The thugs didn’t seem to want to keep bantering with him and ended up charging at him. Peter sighed, and threw a web grenade to one of them which blasted them to stick to the gross wall. The other two were hit in the face when Peter webbed them and when he pulled, they were thrown to the ground. Their weapons flew out of their hands and skidded a few feet away.

The guy webbed to the wall was struggling and shouting profanities, while the other two were groggily getting up. Thug #2 regained his senses and went to punch Peter in the face and with a twist of his body, Peter ended up roundhouse kicking the guy in the gut and sending him flying near the sidewalk. While Thug #3 was still getting his wits about, crouched over and using his knees as a support.

Peter went up to him and grabbed his head with his hands and kneed the guy in the jaw, knocking him unconscious.

With the thugs out of commision (even if the other one was still looking like a butterfly right before they emerge ), he turned back to the teenager behind him.

“You okay, kid?”

He had stopped breathing heavy and wasn’t crouching in on himself, but his body was still shaking. “Y-yeah. Thank you, Spiderman.”

Spidey smiled behind his mask and ruffled the guy’s hair, though he was only a few years older than him, “Stay safe tonight, and hopefully every night.”

He chuckled nervously, “Yeah, thanks, bro.”

Peter walked back towards the thug closest to them (which was the one he kneed) and searched his pockets for a phone. When he found a flip phone, he called the cops and informed them of the situation.

He ended the call when they were coming, and tossed it back to the unconscious body.

“You should get out of here. Head home, and take your well-deserved sleep, you angsty high schooler.”

The kid chuckled and nodded his head, he jogged out of the alley. But before he went around the corner he waved at Spiderman and sent him a huge smile.

Peter smiled back even if he couldn’t see it.

After a few more moments he sighed and took off again. He shot a web to the top of the building to get to the roof and ran across the way until he shot another web out.

He flipped in the air and felt his stomach flutter with the rush. He shot another web and so on until he was a few blocks from his apartment.

Peter stopped on top of the tallest building in the area and lifted his mask to his nose. He took in a big breath of fresh air and felt his face stretch into a grin. He sat on the edge and dangled his legs and rested his hands by his sides.

It was five minutes in when he heard humming. He looked to the right where the noise was coming from and furrowed his eyebrows.

From what he could tell, the song was familiar, probably something on his Spotify, and the voice sounded very manly; rough and gruff. Like those Alpha businessmen.

A few moments later to hands popped up from the building and the humming got louder. And soon after a large body jumped up onto the roof. The man continued humming and shook his hips to whatever rhythm he pleased.

Though this guy did seem familiar . . . the red suit, the swords . . .

It was actually quite comical, how they both paused to look at each other. There was a pregnant silence that left each of them frozen in place. Before the man broke it.

“Spidey!” The guy squealed. (Squealed, he actually squealed) He jumped up and down, before racing towards Peter with his arms outstretched, as if expecting a hug.

Peter good do nothing but let out a confused squeak when buff arms wrapped around him and lifted him up before swinging him side to side.

“Oh M’ Geezes! I am your biggest and bestest #1 fan! I own like seven pairs of Spidey stuffed dolls!”

“Uhm . . . “ Was all Peter could say.

He grunted when the man dropped him on the ground, rather hard if he might add. Peter got up and rubbed at his poor butt.

The guy extended a hand out to him, looking like he was ready to start dancing once again.

“The name’s Pool, Dead. Though I’m trying to get Captain in there somewhere but I feel like there would be some copyright with all those captains out there already.” Peter didn’t get the chance to shake his hand Deadpool took his back and started counting on his fingers, “There those two Marvels, and then Captain ‘Murica, and then Captain Atom, Captain Planet, Captain Britain. Which I don’t even understand, like why would you name yourself that? The baddies will just think you’ll attack them with teas and crumpets, and you won’t have time to defend yourself cause you’re too busy watching if your header has dropped dead yet.”

Despite his ranting and weird entrance, the guy had an imposing aura about him. He was tall, a lot taller than Peter’s small five foot five height, and built buffer than those weird anime guys on late night cable. The swords strapped to his back and the guns on his thighs seemed to only freak Peter out more.

Deadpool stopped and then mumbled something to his side. He cleared his throat, “Anyways, hey Spidey-babe, what’s a place like you doing in a boy like this.”

Peter stared at him and then snorted, “I think I know you now. You’re the ‘Merc with the Mouth?’ “ He put quotation marks in the air. _‘I don’t know if I should tell him that I know him mostly form rants from Mr. Stark.’_

“Oh hells yeah! Spidey knows who we are!” He fist bumped the air. “Anything else you’ve been hearing ‘bout me sweet cheeks? Did you get it from SHIELD? Or was it that blabbermouth Stark? Oh! How about my brother from another mother, Daredevil? Haha just kidding, please don’t tell that Helen Keller guy what I said, he’ll turn my insides, outside, and my outsides in.”

Peter laughed and brought a hand to cover his uncovered mouth. He pulled his mask down again, “Yeah, aren’t you- or well you used to be a Mercenary? And you’re apparently insane?”

Deadpool laughed, “Haha! Spot on once again honey cakes!”

Peter crossed his arms but kept his smile, this guy was interesting. “So what brings you to Queens Deadpool?”

The other man breathed in rather dramatically as if ready to tell someone off for being dumb, “My name . . . my name just came out of your mouth. Your gorgeous pink,” He winked, “mouth. “

Peter felt his cheeks feat up and cocked his head to the side like a confused pup.

“My name. Just. Came. Out. Of. Your. Mouth. Please pinch be Spidey-babe cause this is in no way reality.” Deadpool paused once again and tilted his head to the side like he did before.

“Ugh shut up.” He said, and Peter furrowed his eyebrows even further, _‘Guess he doesn’t like his name being said.’_

“No, you’re ruining it, with your humming in the background. You think I can’t notice the theme song to iCarly?” He said, and tilted his head to the other side, “I know right, what a jackoff.”.

It was like he was having a conversation with people who weren’t there, considering his file in SHIELD, he probably was.

Deadpool was supposedly a recluse that acted as if a ticking time bomb and every zombie apocalypse movie ever, somehow had sex and created a baby. His file read; Dangerous, _Keep away_. Act with CAUTION.

He looked back to Peter who was really just debating on if he should just leave the guy there with his imaginary people.

“I’m just passing through, ya know, sightseeing, finding the real me before my mom sends me to live with my author of a dad in Alaska.” He moved his head back and forth, debating something, before putting his hands on his hips, “I’m just here to get rid of the baddies, same as you bubble butt.”

From all of what Wade said, Peter chose one thing to respond on, “Your nicknames are getting worse.” He laughed, feeling warm.

Wade gasped and stepped back, clutching his chest, “ Oh you wound me, my love. Oh, how your words twist and turn the knife of your love in my cold, unforgiving heart. “

“Uhm, “ Peter laughed before extending a handout like those princes do in films to maidens for a dance, “My apologies? If only my father wouldn’t keep us apart. My heart aches for you like a wound that never heals.”

“Sassy and Funny, what a package deal.” Deadpool turned to his side again, “I know right, I’m glad we’re in the fanfic.”

“What?” Peter asked, tilting his head again. Deadpool waved him off, “Nothing to worry your pretty little head.”

There was another pause before things turned awkward. Deadpool scratched the back of his head, and Peter squirmed.

“So . . . “ Peter said slowly, “I’m just gonna go now. I really want to sleep for like seven days.”

“I think that’s a coma, but you do you. Actually let me do you, like on the wall, or on this roof, or on your bed.” Deadpool shrugged, “I don’t care, but let’s not do it in your cat’s litter box.”

Peter felt his head move back, caught off guard. His face heated up, and he felt like a hot pocket or a Pizza roll. ‘Damn I’m a lot hungrier than I thought.’

“Uh, okay, I’m just gonna go now,” Peter said before walked to the edge of the roof. He stepped on top and before he could fall, he turned his body back to Deadpool. Who was having, what seemed to look like a heated battle between Imaginary friend #1.

“Bye, Deadpool!” He waved his hand, and fell back, just in time to see an awestruck look on the Mercenary’s face.

He shot a web out and headed home for his warm nap.

-

Looking back, Peter was having trouble piecing things together. How did he and Wade go from, _‘Hi! I know you, but we aren’t close enough to actually talk!’_ to _‘Make sure you drop the kids off to school and give Tommy his juice box.’_

Currently, Peter was lounging on his bed, a book on his hands, and a very heavy Wade Wilson on his chest. The Merc was between Peter’s outstretched legs and had his buff arms wrapped around Peter’s middle. His face was masked, and just like the rest of him, in his suit.

“Wade move your head, I can’t see my page over that nipple you have on your head.”

Deadpool said something muffled from his spot, smushed on his chest, before turning his head to the side. Peter grinned, “Thank you.”

Wade let out another grunt.

Peter kept on reading the words of some author, who was up and coming.

They were wrapped up in Peter’s comforter, sharing as much body heat as they could. The winter seemed harsher than normal, the wind feeling like spikes on the skin. Even if Peter did run hotter than a normal human, he was still shivering alone in his apartment.

Enter Wade Wilson, a freeloader who has nothing better to do than hang around a college kid who has too much free time on his hands.

“Hey” Wade whined, eyes droopy and a pout visible through his mask. “ I’m not a freeloader if anything, you are, I pay for all the tacos and hotdogs we eat.”

Peter looked at the man from his book, before going back to reading, “I didn’t say anything.”

“Yeah, but the author is mean.”

Peter scoffed, “No he’s not he writes beautifully even if he describes women weirdly-”

Wade shook his head, “Not that author.” He waved his hand, “Let it be honeycakes.”

“I thought we decided on Spidey-babe.”

The mercenary huffed, “You can’t control the nicknames, the nicknames control you.”

“It’s sad how true that is,” Peter said before peaceful silence fell on them again.

Wade had been there for a few hours now, and Peter forgot what he was doing here in the first place. He just remembered the delicious burritos he brought. Peter thought back, maybe he wanted to just chill? Eh, Peter was too lazy to think about it.

“Oh, by the way, Ellie and Yukio need to borrow your library card tomorrow and Domino wants you to go shopping with her soon,” Wade said sleepily.

Peter hummed, “ Already on it. Count on me, babe.”

He paused. Oh. _OH._

That’s why he was here. Because apparently Peter now had brats to take care of. Even if those brats happened to be _adults_ who could take care of themselves, and unfortunately have a dysfunctional look on families, which leads to them thinking of Peter as some sort of mother hen. And apparently to those brats, Wade was the stay at home father, who you wished would leave and get a job.

“Wade, do the dishes later.” Though, they could talk about how Wade’s friends seem to cling to Peter like little chicks later. He wanted to finish the chapter. Wade let out a whine that a grown man should not make. He shook his head in Peter’s chest making the other man smile.


	2. Domestic Groceries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the feedback!! :) Enjoy this chapter

Peter sighed and hung his head. He continued walking away from his class, tired beyond belief. His class was long and exhausting, the lesson seeming to draw on and on until Peter debated if education really was important. Whatever thought he had when he applied for a seven am class, was complete and utter bullshit. 

Last night he had been patrolling with Wade, but that guy did not know how to sleep or take a break. They talked and ate tacos, and then talked more, and kicked bad guy ass and then talked more. It was early morning when Peter was able to crawl into his apartment and strip off his suit in a lazy, messy movement. He barely made it to his bed before he passed out. The only hours of sleep he had gotten was at most, two.

His eyes felt droopy and all his hazy brain wanted at the moment was to sleep for the rest of his college education.

_‘I can take a nap on the subway, that’s like 20 minutes. Then I can take five-minute naps every time Jameson goes on a smoke break. And hopefully, my lunch break can fill the rest . . . so that gives me at least an hour and then some. ‘_ Peter thought.

He walked a few blocks towards the subway and made it just in time for his train to leave. He packed himself, quickly into the full car and apologize every time he bumped into someone. He leaned against one of the bars near the doors and hung his head low. He had put his headphones in and then tried to take a standing nap. Like a horse.

_‘I’m a horse.’_

The bar was cold, and it vibrated painfully throughout the whole ride on his head. And the sweaty, musky scent of every other person in the car was stifling his senses.

‘I wonder if Wade took Ellie and Yukio to the library like I asked him to. Or if he got Weasel to stop using q-tips.’ Peter thought, leaning more onto the bar, and relaxing his shoulders. His glasses dug almost painfully on his head from the metal, but his sleep deprived brain didn’t care.

‘Sleep Peter. Sllleeepp Peter. _S l e_ e p.’ He thought harder, scrunching his nose up, and clenching his eyes.

Luckily today he had a short day at the Bugle, and - Oh! He needed to double check if Domino wants to get coffee and help him grocery shop. Wade had been running him dry with his unnecessarily large amount of breakfast food, he so happened to make whenever he ‘visited’ Peter. And by ‘visited’, Wade nearly lives on his couch, or on the floor of his bedroom. And sometimes Peter walked into his room with Wade sprawled out onto his bed. His clean made bed. And Wade, the dirty, bloody, messy, mercenary on his bed. (He was not allowed on the bed after that. Actually, he wasn’t even allowed in Peter’s room until he was done glaring at his now messy bedroom.)

Hopefully, after the Bugle he could head to Wade’s apartment and convince him to walk around and do stuff with him. 

_‘Probably not. Unless food is involved._ ’ A thought passed through Peter’s mind, ‘ _Maybe I could be the food.’_

Peter’s eyes opened frantically, and his face blushed a harsh scarlet. He shook his head fast, almost dislocating his earbuds.

He quickly changed subjects, going back to planning the rest of the day. After dragging Wade everywhere, Peter could go back to his apartment and finish his assignments. Ideally, it would be best if Wade was not in this part of his evening. He tended to be a huge distraction to his work; playing the TV too loud, or talking to much for Peter to read his books.

Peter shifted on his feet, switching the foot he was resting on and pushed his glasses up his nose. He was getting drowsier and drowsier by the minute. Soon enough he was softly snoring into his own chest, his phone clutched hard in his hoodie pocket.

It was too soon when the train made a loud screeching noise and stopped hazardly at their next stop. Peter jerked awake, snorting as he got his wits together. The doors were just starting to open when Peter was being pushed harshly by the people behind him. He grumbled, and glared over his shoulder, but continued off the train.

As he walked up the stairs he yawned loudly, and took his headphones out and pocketing them. He scrubbed his crusty eyes and opened his phone.

Wade texted him;

**Big Daddy** : yo petey pie, what time you done working today ;))))

**Booty Call** : Until three. Why? What are you planning? And dammit Wade stop changing the names on my phone. 

 

He didn’t get a response back, which worried him a little. He glared at the screen and pocketed his phone. He sighed again, rolling his head around in a circle to see if he could get the crick out.

His five-minute walk to his job was exhausting and killing his feet in his worn out converse. But the cool air while entering the building was refreshing compared to the musk outside.

He waved to the receptionist lady who was busy on the phone but nevertheless gave Peter a quick wave and smile.

He made his way straight to the elevators, and pressed the up button, and waited for one to be open. He heard the surefire ding and stood aside while three fancy, sharply dressed men walked out; each one holding a phone and talking rather loudly into them. Peter slipped inside, pressing the top floor and leaning against the wall of the small room.

The ride took a few seconds, and the doors opened to a busy office space. Everyone was either running around frantically while holding stacks of papers in one hand and talking on the phone with another. The rest of them where zombiefied at their desks typing faster than Peter could see their fingers.

He walked down the middle aisle and dodged the interns who ran around holding hot cups of coffee. He reached his desk and right as he was sitting down and setting his stuff down, a loud, booming voice cut through the roaring of the office conversations.

“PARKER!” Jameson was standing over his desk, arms wide and face snarling, his eyes felt like he was staring into Peter’s soul.

He winced internally and put his backpack back on and fast walked towards the smoke-filled office. Everyone in the office turned to stare at Peter as he passed by, quietly sending him good luck vibes. Anyone who talked to Jameson needed good luck vibes.

Jameson had sat down again but his fists were still clenched and he didn’t look any less intimidating. Peter peaked his head through the slightly ajar door.

“Y-yes, Mr. Jameson?” Peter asked softly, giving the man to what he hoped looked like a smile.

The old man turned to glare at him and waved him inside, “The hell is wrong with you Parker! Get inside!”

Peter shot inside with a squeak and stood straight. “Close the damn door!” And just like that Peter kicked the door and with a loud slam it closed. Once the door was shut, the noise of the office started up, just as loud as before, but this time muffled by the wooden door.

The man took a deep breath to calm himself, “What do you have for me today?”

Peter sputtered, flushing embarrassingly, “U-Uh I have the- I have the pictures of Spider Man's new fight between Doc Ock ? Oh and the most recent team up; Red Team. I have new pictures of Deadpool and Spiderman working together.”

As he was talking he swung his bag to his front and dug around inside of it. His pulled out a folder and took out his new work, printed and clean. He placed them on the edge of Jameson’s desk, too squeamish to go any closer.

The old man took the pictures, and ruffled through them fast, almost like he wasn’t even looking at them.

“Tsk, Can’t believe this Spider menace is even teaming up with murderers.” He grumbled, glancing at the last picture before tossing them haphazardly on his already messy desk.

“Trash. All of this. But the team up could be salvaged with a good story.” He said, glaring at Peter who tried his best to look innocent.

“Y-Yes sir.”

“Don’t interrupt.” He said, pointing an accusing finger at the boy.

“Sorry!” Peter said quickly. ‘ _I want to sock you in the face.’_

“Head to Betty tell her to give the story to Briggs, and give her these photos. You can do whatever the hell you want with the rest of this.” He stated, and waved Peter out his door.

Peter jerked his head up and down, picking up his pictures in a rapid pace. He tapped them against the desk to straighten them and rushed to get out. The more he smelled the cigarette stench of the room the more brain cells he could feel dying.  

When he shut the door behind him, he leaned against the dark wood and sighed in relief. Being in the same room with that old loud hen gave him as much anxiety as a close street fight did.

The office was still as busy as ever, but Betty was filing her nails while talking on her Bluetooth. Peter walked up to her and rapped at the desk. She glanced up at him, and put down her weird stick thingy. She raised her pointer finger at Peter, telling him to hold on a minute.

“Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay, thank you Steven. Yes, I’ll tell Mr. Jameson. Yes. Okay, goodbye, have a good day.” With that she pressed the side button of her Bluetooth, and started typing fast on her large apple computer.

“What’s up Peter?” She said, not even looking back at him, but keeping her eyes glancing around the screen and her fingers dancing on the keyboard.

“Jameson needs you to give the new Team Red journal to Briggs, and these pictures are to be included.” He looked through his stacks of photos in concentration and placed the chosen few on her desk.

Betty grabbed them without even looking and placed them next to her mouse, “Briggs is out today, but I can send him an email to write a quick entry and bring it in for editing tomorrow. She cleared her throat and cracked her knuckles before going back to speedy typing. Peter rocked back and forth on his heels, and his long fingers tapped against her desk. A few moments later she stopped typing and finally turned to him with a smile, “Looks like we owe you four hundred today, and then fifty when it becomes published.”

Peter smiled brightly controlling his excitement, but internally he was cheering and jumping up and down. Pay day was always exciting.

Betty grabbed the company checkbook and wrote out his pay. She finished signing it off with a swirl, and ripped it fast from the rest. She waved the paper to Peter who snatched it between his pointer and middle finger.

Peter walked to his desk with a jump in his step, leaving Betty with a wave. She had gone back to typing, ignoring everything around her.

His desk was a small, cramped one, but it was great cause Jameson couldn’t see him from his office. He set down his stuff again and sitting down on his chair and turning his computer on. He ruffled through his bag and took out a pen, and his phone. He carefully placed his check inside his wallet and put it back into his inside jacket pocket. He hung the bag at the back of his chair, and cleared his throat, cracking his fingers and rolling his head and shoulders; readying himself for the tiring next two hours.

Work went on, as usual, every time Jameson closed his blinds to smoke, Peter dropped his head into the soft jacket of his arms and shut his eyes. His neighbor; a guy named Elijah who smoked weed before coming into the office, stinking up the already smelly place, helped Peter by slamming his fist loudly on his desk when the blinds opened and Jameson’s dark seedy eyes looked around the bullpen. Peter would startle awake and automatically set his fingers on his keyboard.

The rest of the day went by like that until an hour in he stretched his back and got ready to go on his lunch break. ‘This is gonna be a good nap.’ Peter thought, getting giddy about the sleep he was gonna get.

He gathered his stuff, closing his computer down for now, and walked towards the elevators with his bag slung over one shoulder.

When he opened his phone he was actually surprised to see that Wade had texted him, five minutes ago.

**Big Daddy** : hey sweet cheeks, you hungry?

 

Peter stared suspiciously at the text, before answering.

**Booty Call** : Why? I thought you would be with Weasel? I was actually gonna go to your apartment after work.

 

He closed his phone and stood in front of the closed elevator doors. A few other people stood next to him, blinking slowly and almost drooling; they looked like zombies. When the doors opened everyone walked inside and arms reached out towards the number pad. Multiple numbers lit up, and it was a long ride down. Having to stop at almost every third floor was started to annoy the small man. He tapped his foot on the tile floor and watched the floors pass by. 

Thankfully he reached the bottom floor soon after and stepped out with the rest of the people left in the room. Wade still hadn’t responded to his text when he opened his phone on the way towards the cafeteria.

The first floor was bustling and fortunately, from what he could see through the windows of the cafeteria, it wasn’t as packed as he thought. He opened the glass doors and lazily walked towards the chip aisle.

“PETEY! BABY!” A voice yelled from across the hall, echoing in the open plan of the large room.

Said boy jumped about ten feet into the air and was instantly alert. Everyone else in the cafeteria stared at the loud man who was waving his arms frantically in Peter’s direction. They looked at Peter and then back to the other man and then back to Peter.

The brunette turned to Wade who was in his full Deadpool gear; bombs and guns galore. Deadpool was shaking his arms fast and standing over a booth table near the back.

“Petey! Hey Honeybuns!” He called out again, cupping his hands around his mouth.

Peter looked around, mortified at the scene he was causing. The people gave the both of them weirded out looks and scrunched up their faces.

He shook his head, and hung it to his chest, before speed walking towards the idiot of a man. Wade cheered, and plopped into his seat, making the table shake.

Peter glared at him, and crossed his arms over his chest, “Wade Wilson what the actual _fuck_?”

Wade gasped dramatically, “Language!” Peter rolled his eyes and slid into the seat across from him. Everyone had stopped openly staring at them, but every once in a while they would look up from their food or electronics to see if they were making another scene.

“What are you doing here?” Peter asked, looking at the assortment of food Deadpool had brought. There were two bags of chips; one hot cheeto and another was a red Dorito bag. There were also hot dogs, one with no condiments and the other looking like a pile of garbage instead of a hotdog.

“Aw c’mon sweetheart. You love it when I come to visit you.” Wade said matter - of -factly, lifting his mask up to his nose and grabbed the hot dog overflowing with mustard and relish.

Peter smiled at the man and set his backpack next to him, he grabbed the hot cheeto bag and opened it.

“By the way,” Peter said through a mouthful of chips, “ Wanna come with me to the grocery store?”

Wade was busy stuffing his face, but through his mask, he gave Peter a confused stare, “You want me.” He pointed at himself, “To go grocery shopping. As in like, ‘Oh we don’t forget the eggs and carton of milk’ kinda grocery?”

“Duh,” Peter said, grabbing the other man’s water bottle from across the table. “And I do need eggs and milk. And some fruit.”

“Ew health stuff.”

“Haha. I’m trying to go on this wierd diet thing. I’ve been eating nothing but top ramen and your pancakes for like a week, and my stomach and metabolism hate me at the moment for it.”

Wade tossed his head back and groaned loudly, “Ugghh. You Millenials.” But he still shrugged, “Eh, whatever. I like to listen to the soft pop music they play over the speakers and then sing it even better and even louder.”

“Please don’t do that,” Peter said, sitting criss-cross on the cushiony seat. “Oh!” He perked up, “I got Jameson to accept the team up photos! But, he’ll most likely just want to trash talk about it.”

The brunette stopped for a second, looking like he was in thought, “ I wonder what he thinks of you coming to see me for lunch. Or what anyone thinks in that matter. I mean I sell your pictures, and you’re sticking out like a thumb. A red thumb with a trigger-happy gun.” 

Wade snickered, “I bet they think you’re getting dicked down, huh?” He laughed loudly. Peter glared at the man from across the table, he dropped one of his feet and kicked the man in the knee, under the table.

Deadpool jerked but still kept giggling, pretending to wipe away a tear from the eye of his mask.

“Gross. Don’t talk about sex in public. The only sex talk allowed in public is for teenagers when they giggle at things that look like penises.” He tipped the bag over his face and crunched on the mouthful of chips he got. He crushed the bag and tossed it onto the table. He took another sip from Wade’s water.

“I know right. I like the pants too.” Wade said to his side all of a sudden. Peter glanced at him, before going back to picking up his hotdog. He was actually warmed that Wade remembered to not put anything on it.

“Yeah, and his glasses are sexy.” Wade said to his other side. Peter smiled at him, already knowing what he was talking about. It happened quite often, mostly when they were on patrol.

Peter took a big bite, and Wade groaned, “Shhiittt.” He said slowly.

“What are they saying about me?” Peter said over a food-filled mouth and holding a hand over his mouth to stop any bits from falling out. Wade looked back to him and went quiet for a few moments. Peter continued chewing, and on his way to his second bite, Wade finally said something.

“Baby boy, all three of us never agree on most things. But those jeans make your ass look amazing. Like honestly it’s like all your fat went to your but. Sweet cheeks you are _t h_ i c _k_ .” Wade stated, not looking even the tiniest bit ashamed at his vulgar words.

Peter choked on the meat in his mouth (haha), he coughed to the side into his elbow.

He glared at Wade once again, “Stop it.” Was all he said cause wade decided to continue, “ _‘I would hit that. If someone were to ask me to smash or pass, I would smash so hard, the Hulk would look shameful.’_ That’s what yellow said.” Wade’s head was turned to his right, before turning to his other side, “ And white said ‘ _Peter is looking at us weird..’_ “

Peter tried hard to not smile but failed, his mouth grinning wide and a laugh slipping out of his lips. “Well to the three of you; thank you, and I’m flattered.”

Wide clapped his hands like a teenage girl, “Yay! Peter isn’t freaked out about us!”

“I’ve known you long enough, to the point where everything you say or do does not phase me anymore.”

Wade finished eating the rest of his monstrous food in one big bite. He chewed messily with an open mouth, reaching across the table and taking the hand that Peter left to lay down.

He took the hand in his two larger hands and hugged it, “Ugh Petey, you won’t even believe what happened to me this morning.” He groaned loudly again.

Peter raised his eyebrow, “I was with you all morning. You took camp on my couch and I yelled at you to clean up your mess and then you made me breakfast to distract me from your mess. And I ended up cleaning up the pizza boxes and beer, and washing the dishes that you used to make said breakfast.”

Deadpool waved on hand into the air before using it to grip Peter’s hand again, “No, after all that. By the way, what are we having for dinner? Anyways, so after you left and I finally stopped looking at your ass while you walked away, I was like ‘Hey ya know what would be funny? Hanging out in that Bruce Wayne Mansion copycat and annoying Iron balls.’ So there. I was walking my strut and then I called up Dopinder and was like ‘Drive me?” and he was like ‘OKay.’ So then he drove me to the mansion. But Oh! During the ride I ended up losing a hand again cause I was holding my out the window cause it feels good when it goes against the wind, and there was a big ass sign that just popped out of nowhere. And Boom, gone.”

Wade finished chewing his food in the middle of his story and tossed the wrapper on the table before he dropped Peter’s hand and leaned back. He draped his arms behind his head.

“Wait, what did you say about Din-”

“So when I finally reached the more profitable bat cave, Ellie was there with Yukio, and we said ‘Hi!” and then I drank beer with Kitty. But she wasn’t drinking beer, she was drinking apple juice like the good tooshoes she is. “ Wade finished off his story.

Peter paused, “ . . . that’s it?”

“Yeah! But Petey that’s the point!. It’s boring without you! Or without unaliving or at least hurting some pedophile creep.” Wade went to give Peter a pout and put his hands up. “Without you, I actually gotta talk to Weasel and Doms.”

“I thought they were your friends?”

"Yeah but, I miss my booty call.”  Wade clasped his hands together under his head.

Peter rolled his eyes, “Stop calling me that. I’m a classy lady, you should take me out to dinner before I even kiss you. And Wade, you know I get busy during the weekdays.”

Wade whined, “But I’m bored!”

Peter tilted his head to the side, “ Then go on a mission? I’m sure Weasel is itching to send you away somewhere. Or you could clean your apartment. It’s a danger zone there. I’m actually afraid that your mold has mold.” Peter squinted his eyes a little, “And what did you say about dinner earlier? Are you ordering out or am I cooking something? And is Domino coming with you? You know the both of you eat a lot.”

“Nah I’m ordering out some Chinese food, and it’s just gonna be me today. Domino is taking a self-care day. She’s just staying at home, chilling in hot water.” Wade said, grabbing his water back, and chugging the rest of it. 

Peter put his half-eaten hotdog down and stretched his back again, “Okay. Well, you’re still coming with me to get groceries. And you should pick me up after work, like a good friend.”

Wade nodded and laid his head down on the table, but rolled his mask back down, “Can I hang out with you for the rest of your workday?”

He scoffed and crossed his arms, “No Wade, I’ll get yelled at, and won’t it be suspicious for an up and coming hero to be hanging out with nerdy Peter Parker? Who so happens to take your very clear photos.”

“Aw C’mon! What if I just sit next to you on the floor?”

Peter narrowed his eyes, “Hmm, I don’t know Wade. I don’t want to get fired.”

“Please! Petey you know how I get when I get bored. My last landlord still has my picture up as a warning for others.”

Peter was silent for a while, still looking at Wade suspiciously. As long as Wade was quiet it would fine right? Elijah had left already, winking at Peter as he motioned, pretending to smoke a joint. He gatheredq0 his stuff and left, giving Peter a break from the god-awful smell. Wade could hide behind the tall separators so his head isn’t peaking out. And, it’s a really busy day today. Hmm, but Wade would need to lose the swords and other weaponry.

The boy let out a long sigh, and looked at the sulking mercenary, “Fine. But!” He held up his finger before Wade could say anything, “You are to listen to me. No loud noises, you have to hide your head behind something, and you gotta lose the weapons.”

Wade fist bumped the air, “Hells yeah! Looks like I’m getting laid tonight!” Peter punched Wade’s shoulder harshly, “Shut up, too loud!”

Peter looked back to his phone to check the time, “Well we got five minutes to head back up, let’s start cleaning up.” He picked up the trash, and the empty water bottle and his backpack, while Wade pocketed the other food in his many pouches. He would probably snack on them while talking to Peter.

He tossed the trash into the bin and the water bottle to the recycle, and held the door open for Wade to walk through.

The taller man hooked gave Peter his arm, “My lady?” He said in a mocking sexy tone. Peter gave him an amused smile, before taking the hand and hugging it, “Why thank you.” He tried not to think about how hard and stiff the muscle was under his hands.

They walked to the elevator, Wade babbling on about The Office vs Parks and Rec. Peter kept looking forward, but nodded and made noises of agreement whenever appropriate. They stopped and waited, arms still interlocked.

-

The sun was high in the air when Peter and Wade stepped out of the Bugle. Peter breathed in and stretched his all his limbs. Wade was looking in both directions of the sidewalk, “C’mon Petey Pie, let’s go do some domestic shit.” He started walking towards the subway.

Peter grabbed his arm again and walked with Wade, “Let’s drop by my apartment first I wanna change into sweats and a looser shirt.”

“Aw, but your black jeans are doing things to my twelve-foot long eggplant.”

“Wade!” Peter slapped his shoulder. “ I just want some soft clothes, It feels better than these jeans. They  keep giving me a wedgie.”

Wade’s arm snuck to Peter’s butt, “You want me to pick it baby boy?” Peter slapped his hand away and glared at the snickering man.

The two of them headed off towards the Subway and raced each other down the stairs, before slowing down when a group of old people yelled at them and waved their canes.

Peter smiled at Wade who was laughing, “Damn those old ladies looked fierce.”

“Yeah, I thought I was gonna lose my head.”

They both got into the train car and stood face to face. The train car was packed (no surprise), and Wade and Peter had to stick toe to toe.

“Dammit Wade, Stop stepping on my shoes. You’re breaking my toes.” Peter complained lifting his feet from the ground, one shoe at a time.

“Baby boy are you calling me fat? Well I’ll have you now that fat doesn’t mean ugly and the fact that I have the courage to be the best me I can prove how proud I am.” Wade said, placing a hand on his chest, and winking. “Wade, what Tumblr post did you get that from?”

“Eatpussy445.” Wade said in a duh tone. Peter stomped on the other guy’s boot.

\- 

“Baby boy, hurry your bubble butt up! I wanna bother the people at the free sample stands before they close.” Wade said and tossed himself to Peter’s big couch. His big, soft couch, which he recently cleaned. The boy glared.

“Wade, you mess that couch up, I kill you.” He said before disappearing into his room. Wade waved his hand absentmindedly, “No problemo.”

Peter walked towards his dresser and took out a soft pair of dark sweatpants, and a big dark blue shirt that was laying on his floor. He sniffed it, and checked it for stains.

But something caught Peter’s eye, “A large? Oh this must be Wade’s.” He shrugged and tossed the clothes on his bed before stripping off his clothes.

It was like a warm hug when he slipped the soft clothes on, he wiggled a little into them, and put his socks back on, and rolling the sweats to it was tight around his ankles. He grabbed a zip-up jacket from his closet, and his phone and wallet. He felt his face for his glasses and saw them laying on the edge of his bed. He groaned, “Too lazy.”

He opened his door and headed towards his living room to see the Merc laying down and having a conversation with himself.

“Okay Wade, let’s go.” Peter said, putting his phone and wallet into his pants pocket, and slipping the hoodie on but leaving it unzipped.

The Merc jumped up to his feet and pumped his hands up,” Yay! Free samples!”

Peter slipped on his beaten converse and opened his door. Wade had his own copy of the apartment key because Peter was tired of him breaking in through the windows and getting visits from the cops about break-ins. The older man locked the door and slipped his key into a small pocket on his hips. He whistled and slipped a heavy arm over Peter’s shoulders.

“Remind me to get coffee creamer,” Peter said idly, getting his phone out, and going through the latest news. Wade whistled in a different tone, indicating an okie dokie.

They went to the elevator and took it down to the lobby.

“Wade, did you bring Ellie and Yukio to the library today?” Peter asked, going to his Amazon account to see if it was worth the payment for shipping to buy another hard drive for his photo albums.

“Nah, the two of them were napping as soon as I got there. But I don’t know if sleeping for seven hours counts as a nap when I left they were still asleep.”

Peter hummed and locked his phone, “Ya know next Friday do you think they want to have a movie night? I have a three day weekend and I wanna rewatch every James Bond movie.” They walked out the elevator doors and went towards the front doors.

Wade looked down at the other man, “I’m pretty sure Weasel would want to go, but be too proud to self-invite himself cause he a cool dude. And Ellie and Yukio would never pass up free food. “

“What about Domino, Gwen, MJ, and Ned?”

“Baby boy, invite whoever I just wanna cuddle with you.”

Peter smiled and blushed and blew Wade a kiss, “How romantic.”

“And squeeze your ass.” 

“Why are you like this.” He said, giving Wade an unimpressed look. He only got a grin in return. 

They made their way towards the supermarket a few blocks from his apartment. They walked across the street and turned left.

“Yo baby boy, how’s Dad numero uno, and his group of boyfriends? You're supposed to visit him this Saturday right?” Wade asked.

Peter looked up at him, “Group of boyfriends?”

“Ya know,” Wade held up a fist, and started counting with his fingers, “ Captain ‘Murica, That guy with the metal arm, Clint, The green Jalapeno, the doctor wizard dude, the space boyfriend who has the same name as you, the lord of Thunder boyfriend, the other Ironman suit boyfriend, and then the Black kitty boyfriend. And you’re like the girl next door daughter, and I’m the bad boy that they try to keep you away from.”

“Wade I’m pretty sure Mr. Stark isn’t dating nine people. And T’challa is a king, don’t call him Black Kitty. If they hear you say that, I’m just gonna stay in the back giving you the I - told - you - so look.”

“Oh don’t be a buzzkill baby,” Wade pinched one of his cheeks. Peter stuck his tongue out and blew a raspberry at him.

They walked a few more minutes before reaching the supermarket. There was a tired mom with three other children running around her, passing them by. And then a tall blonde with a crop top and booty shorts talking on her phone entered the doors.

“It’s kinda like looking into the future,” Wade said, pointing at the blonde and then pointing at the mom. Peter snickered and hid his smile In Wade’s shoulder. 

They walked inside and Peter grabbed a basket, with Wade leading them through the aisles.

Just as Wade had said, he sang along to the pop songs over the speakers but Peter gave him a hug for not being loud. 

They passed by the cereal boxes and Wade dropped lucky charms into the basket, “Wade you’re just gonna eat the marshmallows and throw the other stuff away.” He said and put the cereal back. Wade’s shoulders slumped and then grabbed Cocoa Puffs instead. They continued on until Peter was dropping the last of his items; dish soap.

“Okay, let’s go,” Peter said, looking behind him for Wade. The man was nowhere, and when Peter looked around in the open area he saw him leaning against the counter and glaring at a fat old man who was holding an empty tray of samples.

Peter sighed, and shook his head. He walked towards them and cleared his throat. Wade stiffened and turned around. The older man smiled and opened his arms, “Baby boy! You done?”

The sample man looked at Peter from Wade’s shoulder and gave him a pleading look.

“What are you doing?” He asked, looking up at Wade and crossing his arms. “Stop harassing the workers. “

“Wha? I was not! I was just asking him where to find the coffee creamers! Cause like you told me to remind you, I was just being a good noodle.” Wade said innocently.

Peter raised an eyebrow before looking over at Wade’s shoulder to the man. He was squeamish and cowering behind his tray. He smirked at Wade and pushed the man by the shoulders to walk the other direction, “Yeah, yeah, you’re a great noodle. Let’s just get the creamer and leave. I don’t wanna get kicked out before I can pay for anything.”

Wade looked over his shoulder and gave the guy a smug look. Wade slung his arm over Peter’s shoulder’s again and walked over to the dairy fridge.

They stood in front of the creamer door, and Peter pointed to a brown bottle on top, “Get that for me? That’s the only Lactose Intolerant one.” He opened the door.

Wade reached inside and grabbed it and dropped it into the full basket. “All right, baby boy let’s go. This song has already played like three times.” 

-

Peter was carrying all the grocery bags while Wade was whistling along and having a quiet conversation with himself. They stopped in front of Peter’s door and Wade unlocked it before kicking the door open.

The brunette walked in and went straight to his kitchen. He dropped the groceries on the tile floor and flexing his fingers, “Owie. my fingers were cramping.”

Wade kicked the door closed and locked it, before dropping back down on the couch. He stripped off his swords and went to take off the many pouches he had.

Peter blushed and felt something warm in his chest when he saw how natural Wade looked in his apartment. And how his suit did nothing to hide the big muscles.

Peter quickly went back to put his food away. He threw all the plastic bags into another plastic bag.

“Wade, I should just get tote bags. I have too much plastic bags.” Peter called out, closing his cabinet and going to put the cereal in the top cupboard.

“Mhm.” Wade grunted, heading towards Peter’s room. Peter glanced at the man and shrugged, _‘looks like he’s staying over.’_

A few minutes later when Peter sighed in relief at being done, Wade walked out in one of his own shirts. Peter had cleared out the bottom drawer for Wade’s clothes, and the other man kept a duffel bag full of other stuff next to Peter’s bed. He wasn’t wearing his mask and Peter smiled.

“Why hello handsome,” Peter said, before heading towards his couch. He picked up Wade’s weapons and set them on the side. He sat down and lifted his legs up.

Wade winked at him and shot him finger guns. The other man stretched his back and cracked it loudly.

“Wade, go get my backpack on my bed,” Peter said, turning the TV on, and pulling his socks off.

Deadpool went to grab it and came back a few seconds later. He tossed the bag towards the boy who grabbed it without even looking his way.

Wade pushed Peter’s feet off the couch and he sat down instead.

The other boy turned to him, “There was more than enough room for you to sit, and for my little piggies to rest.” He put stretched his feet over Wade’s lap and flipped over the channels.

“Yup and move over again.”

“What?” Peter asked, still flipping through the channels. Wade dropped behind Peter on the couch and made the boy fall off. Peter landed hard on his side, “Wade!”

He got up and wiped off his shoulders. Wade laughed and laid down on his back and putting his hands behind his head. “ You were warned.”

Peter took his jacket off and tossed it randomly, and laid down next to Wade, “Dick.” Peter tangled his legs with the other man and gave the remote to him. You choose a channel, I’m gonna start my homework. “

“Boo! Education, ew!” Wade said and decided on some reruns of Doctor Who. Peter looked up and snorted, “Nerd.” Wade poked him hard in his side making the boy jerk away.

Peter grabbed his backpack on the floor and took out his laptop. It was a gift from Mr. Stark, a new model that could turn into a tablet and had a pen to write with. He loved it more than his own life.

He took it out and laid back down into Wade’s chest, and squinting at the bright light, “Damn I forgot my glasses.”

“Not getting it,” Wade said, dropping the remote to the floor and settling more into the couch. Peter sighed in defeat and chose to stay still. He was too lazy to get those specs.

“Are we going on patrol tonight?” Wade asked looking down at Peter. The brunette hummed and tucked his head more under Wade’s chin. “Hmm, well New York can last a night without the Spideypool team up.”

Wade cheered, “Yay you used our ship name!”

“Mhm.” Peter said half-heartedly, going back to his homework. He was reading on about atomic bonds and highlighted a few things on his screen. Before writing a few notes on the side.

“You might find Weasel passed out somewhere in here. He tried asking a girl out and she took his wallet and bottle of liquor and made out with him, before leaving with her girlfriend.” Wade told him, smirking at the memory of seeing Weasel look like a sad rat.

“Oh poor guy,” Peter said softly, pouting. “Are you gonna be here tomorrow?”

“Petey baby, you would need to throw me out for me to leave.” Peter looked up at the grinning man and smiled back. He felt his cheeks warm up and looked back down to his screen. He hoped the other man hadn’t noticed the change in his color.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos really help me :) See you next time :))))

**Author's Note:**

> Stay tuned :)


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